Santa, darling, sorry for the lapse in my letters. We had some political problems, especially here in New Jersey, that I needed to tackle so I had to put my Christmas letters to one aside. There are still some issues I need to address, like Time magazine naming the OWSers persons of the year. Of course, one year they also named Mussolini Man of the Year. That just shows you where their judgment is located. The OWSers don’t belong on the cover of a magazine; their photos should be in Wanted Posters in the Post Office.
Speaking of post offices, the United States Postal Service, which is technically a private organization, is in a good deal of trouble. They haven’t been able to solve their financial problems, starting with their unions. That should be particularly alarming to you, Santa. You have an army of elves to collect children’s letters to you. Your elves are much more willing to live in colder climates than the average American worker.
If the postal service goes out of business, our only recourse for correspondence will be electronic means. While it’s convenient, paying bills over the Internet carries inherent dangers involving account numbers and passwords. Those of us who have messages to deliver, if the government also takes over the Internet, will have to find other means.
My condo unit is too small. I have no property to keep horses (although one of my co-workers is engaged to a horse owner). By the way, one of the sadder consequences of the depression we’re in is the slaughter of all the horses owned by former rich people who can no longer afford to feed them. The government is planning to sell the horsemeat to the poor. The OWSers take a special delight in seeing some wealthy girl’s Golden Girl sold and chopped up to become some OWSer family’s horseburger.
That being the case, I would love to have a motorcycle for Christmas Santa. I can winter the bike in Big Brother’s two-car garage (at least until the government lures or forces him out of it). He has a bike, too. In fact, he taught me to ride. I’m a safe rider. I want the bike for transportation, not sport. I’m not looking to prove how fast I can ride (unless the Feds are in pursuit). I’m strictly interested in economic transportation.
There is a class of women’s bikes. They sit lower and are a lighter than the average bike to accommodate the average woman rider’s lack of upper arm and body strength. The Harley-Davidson Sportster is the most popular among women riders, but it’s also the bike most likely to be stolen. Women practically have to chain themselves to the bike to keep thieves from making it off with it.
The Honda Shadow Spirit is a 750-cc low-rider. The 745cc engine gives it enough power to keep up in traffic without sending me over the curves and gets 56 mpg. The Spirit is modestly priced at about $8,000.
The Yamaha V-Star comes in prettier colors. It weighs about 545 pounds. The Spirit is actually lighter, at 536 pounds. The price is $6,600 for the 650. The seat height is 24.9 inches (the seat height of your typical girl’s bicycle). It’s not as good on the mileage as the Honda Spirit; the V-Star gets 49.9 mpg. It has a 64-inch wheelbase, an inch shorter than the Spirit.
So I suppose the Honda wins out in performance; but the V-Star is better looking. Whichever bike you choose will be okay. I can see myself riding like Paul Revere through northern New Jersey on either the sleek, black Shadow Spirit or the bright red V-Star, distributing my bloglets and warning the unwary citizens that Big Government is coming. Big Government is coming! They’re right down the road!!